Robert
Mugabe is...
A nob, a moron, a tosser, a carpet-seller, an orange toilet-seat, an odd-toed ungulate, a Nellie, a wigwam, a bashi-bazouk, a typhoon, an asteroid, a kitchen-stool, a beestird, a flaming road-hog, a dictatorial nightmare, a meglomaniac, a genie, a wizard, a blooming belch, a screaming johnny, a flatulent fart, an enfeebled git, a highly-strung guillotine, a Tramp, a flaring fisherman, a donkey-dropping, a Loxton.
He’s a Baldrick, a powder-case, a feather-duster and a knee-jerk. A gander, a sausage and a pork-pie. A sewer-rat, a jellyfish, a vegetarian, a tea-cosy, an Olympic athlete and an N-factorial. He’s a logarithm, a harpoon, a Rodney, a monkey and a viper. A raccoon, doorknob, a trapezoid and a virtue ethicist. A Kantian, a tycoon, a puffer-fish and a banana.
He’s a megaphone, a shooting-star, a flat-footed porcupine, a Greek tragedy and a CD-Rom. A handkerchief, a green bean, an insurgent and a revolutionary. He’s a winner, a chump and a philosophical heretic. A Marxist, a hatpin and a troglodyte. A hovercraft, a hell-fire, a golfer and a bad boy. He’s a north-sea pilot, a silly rebuttal and a turkey. A penny-whistle, a scrimmage and an altar-boy.
He’s a fishwife, a toad, a bigot, a dustman, a lemon, a purple bandicoot and a two-tiered turban. A galoot, a turgid pond, a flowerpot and a prat. He’s a picaroon, a Boolean function, a sarcophagus, a fallacy and a fink. A desperado, a road-runner, a diabolical dunderhead, a tortoise and a limp. A pea-merchant, a nincompoop and idiot and a cur. A mushroom, a lawyer, a jackass and a dwarf. A story-teller, a fancy-faced fig, a common loon and a pig. A fannier-abouter, a cauliflower, a ninny and a cad.
He’s a glorified gibbon, a pretentious turnip, a meddlesome butler and a dodgy deal. He’s a decade of disaster, a chapter of strife, a pack of lies and a set of cheap crockery. He’s a whitewash, a submarine, a chipmunk, a steak-and-kidney-pie and a road-train driver. A beer-swilling baboon, a tub of turpentine, a misguided determinist and an undignified intimidator. A dubious dumping-ground, an ill wind, a glaring failure and an overcooked omelette.
He’s an oil-well, a sweet-and-sour sauce, a gangster and a hairy Harry. A philandering phasor, a nefarious ninepin and a loosely-bound tome of semi-erotic verse. He’s a telescope, a vulture, a lemming and an arsonist. A nitwit, a monster, a dragon and a pie-chucker. A gaffer, a matrix, a taxman, a weasel, a shanty-town, a rugger-bugger, a galivanting coot and a cinema-goer. He’s a hypocrite, a sod, an explorer and a nimpkin.
He’s a long-legged lump of lard, a four-headed fillibuster and a pink bandana. He’s a croquet-player, a measle, a soggy sponge and a cabbage. A garden gnome, a wally, a binky and a balata. An imbalance, a turncoat and a rainbow trout. He’s a toffee-nosed barnacle, a yodeller, a hiccup and a receding hairline. He’s a boomerang, a capybara, a jilly, a nana and a pickled onion.
He’s a deceptive dishcloth, a toilet-roll, a disease and a griffon. A gambit, a humperdink, a billy and a pen-pusher. A switchback, an allsort, a ringworm and a curfew-breaker. A delirious dumpkin, an uproar, an outrage and a rotter. He’s a party-pooper, a lynchsmith, a thug, a bumptious goat, a bearded guava and a loopy wolverine. A retired harbourmaster, a juju, a listless tyrant, a cannibal and a bellboy.
He’s an overrated ostrich, a stamp-collector, a savage and a pot-bellied poltergeist. He’s a refugee, an injustice, a train-smash and an orangutan. A geegee, a macaloon, a dilly and a bureaucrat. A deep-drilling diamond digger, a butcher, an accountant, a disgruntled postal worker and a frog. A loser, a spoilt brat, a periscope and a twister. A pridemonger, a wave-hogger, a backscratcher , a hitchiker, and a cradle-snatcher. A Migou, a whirlwind, a matador, an Ottoman. A Gregorian chant, a bookie, a ringer and an ectoplasm.
He’s a long-haired riff, a scarscet and a duffer. He’s a goshawk, an undertaker, a high-handed hopscotch-player and a tyke. A wombat, a jackal, a narwhal and a jellyfish.
He’s a gun-runner, a night-rider, a gregarious guerilla, a shadow-stealer and a hillbilly.
A gargoyle, a niblick, a hoo-haa and a possum. An okapi, a Barry, an opera singer. A filthy fiddle, and an over-the-hill carthorse.
And worst of all: He’s a Zimbabwean.
Copyright: 1999, Richard Asher
